It's another Second week wher i don't get to meet up with you

It's again another week in a row where we're not meeting.. =(( i feel really really lost,lonely,sad..wait sad is not even the appropriate word to discribe what and how i'm feeling now..Juz so empty inside me..I've used up all the missed feelings in you alrdy..i feel like crying and pour out all the tears..but whatevea that i do now all the crying,complaining,being sad and all don't can't and will never be able to bring you here beside me anytime and place that i want.. i'm fading and have been giving in too much that i feel tired..tired till i feel like giving up..seriously..not that i don't love you anymore but you're tiredness and always putting my at the last of your list (for this is what i feel though you keep on saying that it's not) and calling me every night juz to say gud night..i know for some ppl like you is enuff but to me..IT"S NOT !! I NEED TO SEE YOU AND GO OUT WITH YOU SOON EDWIN !! I NEED YOU NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm almost unable to take it already Edwin..can't it be your turn now to sacrifice ?? i'm not asking for too much but juz to even go out with me is now being a secondary thing between us now.not to even talk about chatting on the phone wher i can't even think of a plc to put it..def not pri..then again..what is in primary then ?? us being more than juz frens ?? or juz best of a frens can be..?? i'm now once again puzzled Edwin..

Ever since you've started your Medic Course for the third week now..Today is another week where i didn't get the chance to spend my friday evening with you..i feel so lost and helpless..coz i don't get to see you for the second time where we were suppose to meet..So many things has happened to you and i wanna know how you're like..i wanna be juzt there for you everytime you complain abt this and that..i'm sorry for always saying things too much that we both in the end feel tired and don't want to talk abt it anymore..but i've learnt from my past relationship that by not speaking what's on my mind i don't,won't and never get things that i want them to be..So that's why i'm always pouring you everthing that i feel that's between us.. Missing you Very Very much...

Yesterday we went out again another friday's civilan holiday that you had..We went to Doby Ghaut for dinner..this time we didn't touch Plaza Sing at all..instead we went to Park Mall for dinner..you said whenever you go out with Hanson you two will always head here to spend the night..for a moment i felt like telling you let's get out of here right away coz you said that this is also where Hanson hangs out as well..also we had like the cheapest food so far with you..after that we went over the The Grand Cathay for Starbuckscoz i had to pass Sheryl her bday present..was there till 9 plus then we proceed to Changi Airport coz you had to meet up with Gabriel,Cai Ling,Hui ling all for some talk that went really heart to heart..You said things that you've never had thought of saying at all and the girls were also appalled by what you've said..All this while i was alone..alone by myself..moving from level 2's TCC to level 1's Tochco and alone waiting for you for 3 hours and a half..just for you to be able to be free so that we can spend the night outside together..i kept asking myself why am i doing this ?? Where does all this patience coming from?? Oh well it's not as if i didn't complete anything..I managed to be done with the script for the skit that i'm in..and got roughly the idea of the days and dates for my outing..
i was actually very tired from all the waiting alrdy..but then when you are finally done with your talks..i was up..not feeling that tired anymore..it was then 2 plus in the morning alrdy..You wanted to spend our time walking around the airport but then the skytrains were all out of service..so we had no choice but to halt a cab down to Balesiter where we were be spending our night..For what you've did i enjoyed it alot and liked it juzt as ever before..then we went to slp..In the morning i wanted to ask for another of it..but then you keep on refusing..and poked my eyes as well..thou i said loudly that you've poked my eyes and it was painful..you didn't care me..for that i thought you didn't mean it so i let it off..then i wanted to hug you tighter and slp for the next few more mintues..you threw me away..=(((((( There and then i started asking myself "Why am i even in bed with you?!!" when you don't even allow me to hug you..I don't mind not having "sex" in the morning but then..~~~ Sigh!! after that i showed you my attitude and didn't talked to you all the way till it was 9.45am when i mesged you..then we napped..you called me up at 2.30 then said you're con't to slp till 3 plus..then you called again..we hung up..till now you have not mesged me or call me..I'm feeling all alone again darling..i wanted to spend away my this Saturday with you bcoz i'll not hav alot more sat and fri where i can spent it in the past..I just want to be with you..I don't care abt having "sex" with you now or anytime soon..i juzt want you !!!

lonely is when one's alone..

i juzt feel different whenever i'm in contact with you nowadays..Esp what had happened after that Sunday night. Everything has changed.To think that i was the only one that you've beentreating in such way.. I was wrong.. You make me feel so cheap.You have made me feel so desperate. You have cheated me once again. This time the stab that you've present me. It's the hardest and worst so far. I'm unable to cope. Wher's the Love medication from you? I need it badly. i'm lost,sad,disappointed,numb by everything that you've done to me. But there's this unknown feeling or can i say voice in me that keeps on telling me this is juz another obsticle that i have to bypass so that i can not only get to know you even better than before or is it juz another major setback to allow me to be with you?! I don't believe that this is juz t a one sided love affair that i'm experiencing then again i dare not wish it is the truth that you've been all the while juz helping me all the way till now.

Firstly before i start..i'd like to apologise to YOU that i'm terribly,stupidly selfishly sorry to make you to have always spent so much when you're out with me..I promise this will be prob the last time i'm asking so much from you kayy..

Today was the end of our "three days and two night tour package" as what you've said..being with you these two days together all the way was something that was so great,memorable and wonderful..I can't believe that you called your mum on friday night to tell her that you were not going home juzt to accompany me staying out juzt bcoz i didn't want to go home..and TAHNK YOU again for sacrificing for me again Edwin..You are juzt always doing such small little things that has made you YOU..Why must we juzt get stuck at this classification called best frens ?? Can we procced to the next level if being together..?? I really wished that day will come juzt as much as you didn't want to meet me at first but later did still in the end..You..

On friday we went to orchard and i threw a tandrum and i kept walking in front without knowing that i lost you far behind at Wheellock place..and while i was stomping around orchard like a bastard..i kept asking myself why am i so pissed up with you and all when i'm suppose to be not blaming you at all.For we walked from Novena all the way to orchard..That is another THANK YOU that i want to say to you..

The other day when we went to Causeway Point..you gave me a keychain..hehe..really liked it so much..haha this was the second thing that you gave me after the small container of cookies from Ben and Jerry's..The time where we spent that evening was short but at the same time sweet too..=)


Being with you and only you for this past two days i can say that YOU have made me find my way back to love Edwin..and i'm juzt waiting paitently for the day when we are an item..

For the weeks before my CTs and during the week of my CTs..You were always there..encouraging me to do what i can't and never do but once again you've proven me that it's possible and trying , striving and with determination success is where i'll stand..i can therefore THANK YOU again thrice for always being there for me everytime i need you..The calls that i've made everytime before my papers always calms me down upon hearing your voice..and i love it..every single sec of it..You on the other hand had the worst week ever so far..and if i can i hope to share some of the load that you were given and juzt be done with them and all so that you won't need to be suffering having less sleep every night,feeling tired everyday , skipping gym and being bullied my freaking superiors..this you have my pity Ed..that's was one of the reason why i wanted to spend so much time with you this week..

Today is saturday.the day where you told me Hanson will be doing his singing in Hereen there.Sort of a contest like thing.I set the alarm on Friday night,coz you were soo tired for the entire week not even getting enough sleep and your eyes were red when we met earlier that night.
Today's 8 am came and i called you 4-5 times and dropped you a message.Hoping that you'll wake up and not want you to be late.missing what you've promised Hanson that you'll attend his singing compeition.I went back to slp after that.then you didn't even dropped me a text until i texted you.you replied saying that you were more nervous than hanson himself.I was Jealous.never would i thought that i would be you know.early in the morning and then after that i had errands to run os didn't relplied you so frequent as before.then you asked if i had anything on for today.I didn't want to bother you further coz you were watching that singing thingy.so told you off.I'm sorry!!Then you came texting me that he passed.and therefore unknowingly it added more vinger into me.causing me to hav my mood swings.then all was surpressed till later tonight.where the feeling juz came back.In the evening you called and told me that you got into NTU.I was Happy,Proud and Excited for you.I asked myself"Am i the first who received this news?" or "Hason got this alrdy?? Maybe YOu called Him before you called me" i don't know juz t don't know.but the optimism was far more overcrowding than the pessimism.
Last night when we were on the bus squeezing here and there it suddenly gave me the feeling that we were tgt agn.Don't know why but it juz came.BUT i know i hav to know it's NV real in the first plc.NV REAL and NV WILL.='( Today i discovered that my left ankle was sprained.and i told you.hope that you'll not be bothered or disturbed by it.coz i don't want you to worry abt it.In the evening you randomly texted me saying that you got me a choc on Fri but forgot to passed it to me thus it's melted and you say you got smth for me but don't think i'll like it.To think of it.Have i not liked anything from YOU,Edwin Leo Chang Yu?? HAve i ?

The other night when you called and wanted to tell me that Fri's meeting was cancelled. I'm Sorry really sorry to the bottom of my heart.Promising that it'll be the last time i'll call you darling till we're ever to be tgt.Coz it was also that night that i realised that we are JUZ FRENZ after soo much that we've done.Sleeping,eating,going out,caring etc for each other.Smtimes i juz wonder do you do that to all your gay frens as well.If you really do then i hav nth to say but to back out frm your world of frens.I'm juzt dreamin all along edwin..smtimes why can't they be true for once and lasts forever. Makes me wonder why.......

This morning when i saw your message that Jeremy called you after i put down the phone.Don't know why i became not myself at all.I became another person which i have never ever hope to bring out.But you juzt made me do that unknowingly.Therefore everyone in school is asking if i'm alright or not.They say i don't seem to be Jason,Not the correct person,Are you Jason?,Is there something wrong with you?,Are you ok?. I don't know how to answer them at all.I don't even seem to be able to find any answers to reply them at all.I don't know what's in me today.Maybe is what you've mesged me at 6 am in the morning telling me such stuffs after what i hav told you so much abt me last night.I don't know..I really don'y know..
I'm tired being Jason.Being always so happy,bubbly,optimistic and all..I juzt want to leave all of them wher i left them and want to live this life of being another side of me.Being quiet,silent,decisive on choices that i've been given.
Last Night thankz for taking photos with me.I'll not delete them ever.Hearing that you were sadden bcoz you made two of your frens that you loved angry.Instantly it affected me as well.Also while talking on the phone with you last night made me again woke up from the dream of us being together.and believing in foreverness and eternity.
You know after looking at your mesg this morning it made me realised that maybe letting you go would be the best solution now.To solve the problems that you have you know i'll never mind to help you out in any way.

Luv you still